My Child Wants a Dog. Have This Conversation First

Our children asked for a dog the way children do: every week, with promises. They would walk him. They would feed him. We would never have to do a thing. We said yes, and within a few months the dog was gone. We said yes again, twice. The promises were sincere every time. They were just not a plan.

If your child is asking now, this is the conversation I wish we had held before the first yes.

A child's promise is a wish, not a rota

Children mean it when they say they will look after the dog. Then school starts, a friend calls, it rains, and the dog still needs to go out at seven in the morning and again at ten at night. The dog does not know whose turn it is. He only knows whether someone came.

So the first question is not "will you look after him?" It is "which jobs, exactly, and what happens on the days you can't?" Write the daily list down together: the early walk, breakfast, the midday break, the evening walk, the last trip to the garden, cleaning up, the short training practice. Put a name against each line. Then look at the names. If most of the lines belong to one adult, you have your first honest answer, and it came before the dog did.

Give children real jobs inside firm limits

Children can own real parts of a dog's day, and they should. Fresh water. The evening brush. Walking beside an adult, holding the lead together. Filling the food bowl at the time the routine says, not when the dog asks. These are real responsibilities, and children grow on them.

What children do not own is anything that carries risk. The front door. The gate. A dog who is overexcited, frightened or guarding something. Visitors. Those decisions stay with adults, every time, and children know in advance that when an adult steps in, they step back. That rule protects the child and it protects the dog.

Ask the quieter people in the house

The child who wants the dog is the loudest voice. Listen to the others. Is there a parent who is not sure, or who is afraid of dogs? A grandparent who lives with you? A younger child who hides behind your legs when the neighbour's dog comes near? A dog does not join the child. He joins the house, and the house includes the person who never asked for him. In our home that person was my wife, and the dog that finally stayed was the one we planned around her, not around the children's wish.

The teenager's version

With a teenager the promise sounds more credible, and it is, for a while. Ask one extra question: where will you be in two years? A dog brought home when a child is fifteen is a dog whose daily care passes to the parents when the child leaves for university or work. That is fine, if the parents chose it. It is not fine if nobody said it out loud.

Three honest answers

When my family finally sat down with the readiness test I had written, the answer was not yet. We waited a year. The children were disappointed for a week and then they were not, because "not yet" came with a date to talk again and a list of what would be different by then.

There are three honest answers to a child who wants a dog: Let's get the puppy, Maybe later, or Not for us. All three are good answers. The poor one is a yes that the adults will carry alone and quietly resent.

Free help

If you are deciding, the free pack Before he comes home sets out the real hours in week one, which job belongs to whom, and what to prepare: mohamedabukhadra.com/help/before-he-comes-home. The short version of our family's readiness test is at mohamedabukhadra.com/test.

My book Before You Say Yes to the Dog takes the whole family through the decision, children included, and ends with those three answers.

Related: A Puppy for Christmas? Five Questions Before You Say Yes · What Age Can a Child Walk the Dog?

I am a father, not a trainer, a vet or a behaviourist. This is what worked in my house. Anything that touches safety, check with a professional who can see your dog and your home.