Nobody Told Me It Would Be This Hard

You brought the puppy home and it is harder than you expected. Many people say the same. Here is what has been counted, and then five things to do this week.

What other families have counted

A Royal Veterinary College study of families with a new puppy found that 37.3% of caregivers said raising a puppy was harder than expected. A University of Helsinki study of 1,572 dog owners found that just under half reported significant negative feelings during their dog's puppyhood. Among those, about one in five said it lasted under a month and just over half said under six months.

I cannot tell you which of those groups you will be in. I can tell you that a hard start is common enough to have been measured, and that it is a reason to change the arrangements in your house.

In my house we failed to keep a dog three times. The dogs were rehomed, mainly to friends' families, and the children still see them. I do not dwell on it. I mention it so that you know this was not written from an easy house.

Say it to one person tonight

Tell one other person what you are finding hard. The other adult if there is one, a friend if there is not. Use one plain sentence: "This is harder than I thought and I need help with the list." Say it to them, not to the puppy. You do not need a good moment. A tired one will do. If it is late and nobody is awake, send it as a message and let it be read in the morning.

Hand some of the list to someone else

Write down every job the puppy has made, from the first toilet trip of the day to the last, and put a name beside each. Meals, clearing up, the bookings, the calls to the vet, the washing of his bedding: all of it goes on the sheet, with one name per line and never "us". In the same Royal Veterinary College study, 95% of the puppies' main adult carers were women. That is a reason to look at whose name is on most of your lines, and to move some of them to someone else. Do it this weekend.

Take one night off

Choose a night in the next seven days. Whoever has done the nights does not do this one. The other adult takes the puppy from bedtime to morning, or a friend does, and the one who is off sleeps in another room with the door shut, or somewhere else altogether. Write the name of the person covering on the sheet, and write the night's handover note before you go to bed: when he last went out, when he last ate, and the words you use with him. Ask whoever is covering to use your words. If there is no other adult, ask a friend to take an evening or a morning, and ask early.

Ring the people who handed him over

Ring the breeder, the rescue or the trainer, whichever you have. Before you ring, write down what happens, when, and what you have tried. Ask for ten minutes and tell them which part is hardest. Ask what support they give after the first week and whether you may ring again. If your worry is about his health, ring your vet. Write the answers on the same sheet as the list.

Ask the six questions in two weeks

Write a date two weeks from now in the diary. On that day, sit down with the free pack and ask the six questions together. They are there to tell a bad week from a wrong match. Until that day, you do not have to decide anything about keeping him, so do not list him and do not write the message that gives him back. Keep the list and the night off, and see what the questions say. If anyone is bitten or frightened before then, ring a professional that day, and keep an adult in the room whenever the children and the dog are together.

Free help

The free pack A bad week is not a verdict has the six questions that tell a bad week from a wrong match: mohamedabukhadra.com/help/bad-week. My book After You Say Yes to the Dog was written for the weeks when it is harder than anyone said.

Related: I Love the Dog but Not the Work: Saying It Out Loud · The Puppy Is Home and It Has Gone Wrong: Start Over This Weekend

I am a father, not a trainer, a vet or a behaviourist. This is what worked in my house. Anything that touches safety, check with a professional who can see your dog and your home.

Sources: Royal Veterinary College family-puppy study, PLOS One, 2025; Ståhl et al., 2024, npj Mental Health Research 3:27.